I’m So Indecisive Today
I don’t really know what’s happened. A few days ago, I was well into Someone New, but then he went away for the weekend with work and I found a few things out. One big thing in particular. Apparently, he only stopped shagging a work colleague just a few weeks/months ago. They were shagging for six or seven months or more, she’s prettier and skinnier than me and I feel really insecure now, and they still work together. She’s barely 21; he’s 30-something.
All of a sudden – and I really don’t know why – I’m not interested anymore.
Maybe it’s because I’m scared I have cervical cancer. I got a letter confirming that the colposcopy showed ‘high grade cervical intraepithelial neoplasia’ and I was to wait for further biopsy results to make a plan with my consultant in the ‘near future’. It’s all a bit scary if you ask me, even if I am being paranoid.
Maybe Someone New is just a bit blah for me? I thought at the beginning that he might be a bit of a ‘nice guy’ but that’s changed a bit now. Maybe it’s the whole shagging-the-work-colleague thing that’s done it for me? Do I really want to deal with all of the shit that inevitably comes with your boyfriend shitting where he eats. They have to work together almost every day. If they had chemistry once, it’s fairly reasonable to believe there would still be chemistry there, right? And it wasn’t that long ago that they stopped sleeping together, after sleeping together for a substantial length of time. Six months or more isn’t just a bit of a casual fling, is it? Not between work colleagues. Or am I overreacting?
Maybe I’m just having a hard time right now and I don’t know what I want? Before he went on his work trip, I told him that I didn’t know if it was heading the same way for me that it was for him. This version of me – the sick, weepy, emotional, scared-of-everything version – is not a good representation of what I’m really like, and I genuinely don’t think we’d get along all that well if I went back to the louder, bolshier version I was before I got sick.
But then he told me that he was already falling for me. For the second time. The first time, he sent it via a text message, but I ignored that one because it seemed to be the sensible and smart thing to do. But then he said it out loud. On the phone to me. REAL WORDS. We’ve been dating for like a month and a half. It’s been four fucking dates. How is he falling for me already? And, more importantly, HOW IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME ALL OVER AGAIN?
Why couldn’t we have just sailed along nicely for a few months, like four to six months, having a good time, too much sex and generally enjoying the ‘honeymoon’ phase before we crash into “I’m falling for you” territory? What happened to courting? Dating? Wooing? How can he be falling for me already after just four dates and one sleepover? It’s like Jock happening all over again except it was seven dates for him, wasn’t it? Let me check … 34 days.
Back to Someone New: the day before Valentine’s Day, a box arrived in the post for me at work. I opened it. It was only small, with a couple of small stuffed toys in there, some of my favourite candies and chocolate bars, plus an anonymously-signed ‘Be My Valentine’ card. At the bottom of the card, in little letters, I saw a note. It said: “Little Legs”, something I called him a few times – so I realised it was from him. That’s cute and all, right? Well, no. I never actually told him where I worked. He knew the company I worked for, but he didn’t know where exactly it was; there were a few of them in my local area. Six or seven, to be exact. I asked him how he figured out where I worked and he reeled off a few things: he worked out how many minutes it took me to get to work in the morning as we chatted, and then worked out which of the six or seven locations in my home area was within that precise walking distance. (He knew the rough location of my house.) That’s gone past the point of being romantic, right? We’re verging into creepy territory. I can’t be the only one who thinks that???
He keeps talking to my dad, too. Someone New works somewhere that my dad frequents to buy certain things, so they half-knew each other before the guy became my boyfriend, but the fact that they’re talking the way they are? Like they’re friends or something? No, I dislike that. They’re even Facebook friends now, commenting on each other’s posts, locked in a really weird and highly-inappropriate [I think] bromance. Everyone is running away with this relationship except me. My dad loves him. Someone New loves me. What’s the problem here? Why can’t I get on board with this apparently dreamy, handsome-as-hell, virtually-perfect (but also creepy) man?
I think I know what the problem is. I think we all know what the problem is. Please don’t make me say it. I’m not going to. Nope.
Okay, fine, I’ll say it: I’m not over Jock yet. Someone New could be the most perfect guy in the world, the absolutely best man ever, but I’d still find reasons to dislike him from time to time. I’m actively looking for things that make him a bad man, perhaps even twisting his innocently-motivated moves for something more manipulative. He’s not Jock. And I’m not over Jock. I started things with Someone New far too early and now it’s all going to end badly and I’m going to end up breaking his heart. I can already see it now, playing out in front of my face.
But those warning signs? The red flags? They’re there, in the back of my mind, even if I have made them up or twisted his actions and words. He’s coming across as really controlling even though he’s trying so hard not to. At first, I just had him pegged as a nice guy, but there are times when I wonder if this is just a facade. Is he really a nice guy? There’s this dark, brooding undercurrent running through him, words that don’t come out his head, things he doesn’t do with his hands. I can see them, all of them. They’re not things that make sense to other people, but to me – a woman who has lived her fair share of manipulative, controlling, and abusive men – they’re things that signify something else. Like they could be really mean and spiteful in a fight and knock you down at every opportunity. They exude a quiet arrogance that I always used to find quite attractive, and evidently still do since I’m running after yet another man with this personality trait. But that quiet arrogance is found in men like The Hubby. And look how that turned out … I was a husk of a woman being by the time I left him.
Perhaps I’m just reading a little too much into things right now? I should probably just kick back and relax, enjoy the early stages of a relationship that still has the potential to go either way. I think I’m just frustrated, to be honest, unable to have regular sex … and not seeing any on the horizon, either. There are still a few more weeks to go before I can jump into that territory.
So, what do I do about my fifth date with Someone New that is meant to be happening in … oooh, two hours’ time. I’m trying to work out if I even want to go, and what I want to do when I get there. Should I just have dinner and leave? Should I stay the night? I’m seriously horny and more than a little frustrated, and we all know that sleeping with him in his bed will likely end up with his dick in my mouth … But will that satisfy my hunger for right now or drive me to utter distraction? I’m not sure. I guess I don’t have anything to lose by going, though. I can always come home after we’ve eaten. Or maybe I’ll stay?
I’m so indecisive today.
Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels
Quite a dilemma there, my dear. But I think I do know how you feel. I think you are absolutely right, you didn’t allow enough time to ‘recover’ from Jock and you are probably not ready to jump into something serious so soon, and by what you describe, it’s almost as if you were in a serious/ long relationship! (The bit about the ‘work’ and your ‘dad’ does sound quite a bit creepy, considering the short amount of time you have known each other).
Now , don’t misunderstand me, I don’t think time means anything. Sometimes Time is just an excuse we make up ourselves to give us hope that things can change, that our feelings can change. When I connect to someone, I know it right away. And if I feel I am falling for someone (even though I wouldn’t probably say it !) it would probably be a matter of ‘now or never’. It either is , or it is not – and that’s something that time won’t change. By what you describe now, you are right for him but you have to consider the possibility that he is not right for you. Or maybe, it is just the timing.
Whatever your conclusion is, as always, I am wishing you the best of luck 🙂
You know the reasons why – it is because you were falling for him when you didn’t know the real him; the more he has revealed about the real him, the more your gut is screaming ‘trouble’ (for damn good reason, although not the age thing, that’s not unusual); and he is another narcissist because the wounds that have you so tied into Jock have not even been looked at, let alone healed. Because it never has been about Jock, just like for me it never was really about Steve, it’s always been about those inner wounds. Lecture over – can someone help me down from this soapbox, please! xx
Hahaha see – smart, wise lady!! xoxo